I missed heaven...

“To pretend to describe the excellence, the greatness or duration of the happiness of heaven by the most artful composition of words would be but to darken and cloud it; to talk of raptures and ecstasies, joy and singing, is but to set forth very low” Jonathan Edwards

I know I can come across as the "angry Irishman" who is always railing against the Church and the horrible Christians that inhabit it. That is probably a fair indictment of me at times. But I thought it might be helpful if I spent a few posts unwrapping me so you can see my heart and perhaps see that there is more than mere Irish irreverent rage behind the words I write. 

So with a heart and intention of being transparent I thought of something to write about. But as I am being transparent and I am going to talk about stuff that has the potential to side-track some of the potential readers of this Blog I thought I'd insert a disclaimer at the start.

Disclaimer

In this post I'm going to describe (in passing) a part of my life journey with God that discusses an idea in Christianity that not everyone agrees with. "The Rapture"
Whatever you think of the possibility that God's people will one day all be taken away in the blink of an eye, or how you read the book of Revelation please be gentle with me, and look past what I thought and think today and see "me" and what it is I'm actually trying to say in this post this morning. Please don't read this post and feel the need to instruct me in how I should believe or speak about doctrinal issues. Dig deep and find the humanity to hear and see the man who aches to see heaven, who feels the agonizing tension between an intense desire to be with Jesus and the angst of  leaving so many people behind without the gift of heaven awaiting them. 

Now back to the Blog... :)

When I first read Paul's epistles and had an older Christian teach on The Rapture I was (excuse the pun) enraptured with the idea that God would come and take me away from the agony that life was at that point in my journey. I'd been a Believer for only a short time, during which I was walking through a "cold turkey detox" and was suffering from the growing pains of my relatively recent conversion into Christianity. That was a time in my Christian life when the daily grind of trying to merely survive the day was so agonizing that I literally ached to be finished with this thing called life. 

I remember walking from my cold rented house (it didn't have central heating) in the village where I lived to my local Church on a cold, wet Wednesday evening and imagining what it would be like if Jesus "came back" for me at that moment. I confess there were times I'd do a little hop, skip and jump in the hopes it would be the precursor to that longed for event. I'd spend hours day-dreaming of God taking me home painlessly and instantly and then I'd feel guilty for all of those that would be left behind. I was torn between wanting to be in heaven, which I missed as if I'd actually been there and my anxiety about all of the people around me who wouldn't get to go if God came back and proclaimed that "time was up" for Humanity. 

I'm not really the same man I was 17 years ago, I take for granted many things that man couldn't even have imagined and I'm well down the road of temporal redemption. God really did "do everything" and now here I sit clothed and in my right mind. But despite all of the healing, despite the wonder of having Bethany as my wife and of having such wonderful people call me their friend, of having been chosen to serve God vocationally and of having seen so much of His creation. I still miss heaven and still feel conflicted about God coming to take me and Bethany home while leaving so many people we care for behind. 

While I no longer do a little hop-skip and jump hoping God would take the hint, I do still ache to be done with this journey. I don't feel like I belong here completely. I miss my home in heaven and all of the beings there who know me and don't need a translator to understand how I feel and think. But each time I'm tempted to cajole God into taking me and my beloved Bethany home to our restful home in heaven I hear the footsteps behind me of another soul searching for anyone who will take the time to really see them. To care about the fact that they are truly worth knowing and worth loving. 

Yesterday in a YL staff conference we watched a clip from the Sports channel about a physically challenged high school senior who was on the Track team. This is the link, espn.go.com/video/clip?id=8393175 it is called Jack's heat and it is incredibly moving. We spent a part of yesterday at the conference talking about how we reach and interact with these "special" kids. It was the sort of professional conversation that you have no need to be bored with in this post.

But you might want to know that I came away with a renewed certainty that every kid needs to be seen and supported. I also left with an equal awareness that I want to be seen and supported.  

It made me think of all of the "spiritually" challenged people I know who so desperately want to belong but don't feel anyone has their back. I see them unable to run like the healthy kids. I see how much they want to belong in the healthy world of spirituality yet know they are different and that people don't want to see their spiritual deformities. They have become used to the "looks" from the "normal people" and they have heard and seen the signs that say "Not You!" and they turn away in despair and anger and pretend they didn't want to be invited anyway. 

Some of the kids I spend time with look like Jack if they are viewed in the "spiritual" sense. I see their spiritual disabilities and can look beyond those handicaps and see the person inside. In "Jack's Heat" the Espn interviewer asked Jack's brother if he was ever tempted to tell Jack that the races weren't real. His brother instantly and emphatically said "No!" He wanted to allow Jack to feel what it was like to win. 

There are so many spiritually disabled kids in this world who would love to experience what it is like to win. If I could scoop them all up with a hop-skip and jump and have them raptured directly to my home in Heaven I would. Sadly I lack that specific X-men power. :(

So I remain torn between wanting Bethany and I in Heaven, safe from all of the pain life brings in its wake and the realization that if we left this world there would be two less people who are willing to let the "spiritual Jacks" know the feeling of winning and being seen as normal. 

I missed Heaven 17 years ago when I was a brand new baby Christian and now that I'm a well worn adult Christian I find I still suffer from extreme home-sickness for Heaven. 

I still desperately miss Heaven this morning, yet I can't seem to find the will to leave these poor kids behind. 

I missed heaven this morning... How strange does that sound to you?