Step 3. “Grow a Pair!” - The impoverishment of the Ex-men

“Most people who meet my wife quickly conclude that she is remarkable. They are right about this. She is smart, funny and thoroughly charming. Often, after hearing her speak at some function or working with her on a project, people will approach me and say something to the effect of, you, I think the world of you, Barack, but your wife, wow!”

Barack Obama - The Audacity of Hope 

I’ve been scribbling some ideas for the past week on what it means to be a man. I’m aware that my position hasn’t included the multitude of alternative expressions of manhood but has focused primarily on the “average" situation men find themselves in. That “average” is of a man trying to interact with a woman in a relationship that requires them to live in close proximity to one another for a prolonged period. I am aware of the other combinations which are less “average” and while some of what I say can be extrapolated to the alternative life situations of a Homosexual commitment, or a Polygamous commitment or a Celibate commitment, I accept that it tends to be most easily applied to the average relationship of a man trying to partner with a woman. 

That being said I hope no one reads my thoughts as prescriptive but rather sees them as descriptive as they were intended. 

Now I have that little explanation of intent out of the way let me recap on my past pondering.

Step 1. permit your passion to transform your promises into persistent practices. Or in the vernacular “get off you ass!”

Step 2. permit feelings to be freely formulated coherently. Tenderness isn’t terrifying, it is the heart of your humanity. 

So we have a passionately tender man who actually expresses life actively and acutely while standing beside this powerful Being called Woman. 

For some boys the horror of finding themselves standing in the shadow of a strong female totally unmans them. A powerful, passionate, and ambitiously talented woman is a "robber baron" writ large as far as their male ego is concerned. These impoverished males group together in painfully weak huddles, decrying the mauling their fragile egos have taken at the hands of these cruel Amazons they had the foolishness to underestimate. 

They are incapable of summoning the commitment to turn their promises into practices, they are unwilling to summon the courage to allow feelings to be shared freely, and they are so bereft of internal intestinal fortitude that the slightest success attributed to the "Femme-Fatale" they call their partner is a tragedy of mythological proportions. 

Step 3: Men need the intestinal fortitude to be able to be an equal partner with the exceptional woman they have committed to. Or in the vernacular “grow a pair!” 

I once had a young man explain that he was going to ensure the woman he married was stupider/weaker than he was. I was astounded by his choice of anti-quixotic ambition as he was an otherwise impressive young man in the making. When I expressed my bewilderment at his ambition he explained that he was worried that if his future spouse was stronger/smarter than he was she wouldn’t respect him. 

While I agree that respect is the currency we men value in relationship I fail to accept the premise that debasing that currency is a good solution for protecting it for us and our male progeny.

If confident courage isn’t a staple part of your life then I’m afraid you will not be able to experience the life of a man. You’ll huddle fearfully in the corner of irrelevance always feeling the disappointment or outright scorn of the woman in your life. She will be forced to "grow a pair” to compensate for your emasculated condition. 

I’m sick of seeing boyish manikins huddled in bars bemoaning the loss of their masculine “toys” because the bad “mother" figures they married absconded with them. 

What do I mean when I say “grow a pair?”

Act 1. 

Stop playing with toys and start working with worthy tools.  

Set aside the childish toys of boyhood and take up tools that have meaning and magnitude. Having life goals that are audacious will result in you needing the woman beside you to be as empowered as humanly possible. President Obama was delighted that those who met his wife were so impressed by her. Michelle and he were on a quest of heroic proportions and the empowerment of Michelle was an empowerment toward their joint success in life. Strong men want strong women to be their partners. I’ve never seen a male pick the weakest player for their team if they really wanted to win. Yet I constantly see males belittle and bemoan the strengths and successes of their women because they lack the personal sense of a secured self to be un-threatened by that success. 

Act 2.

Be her biggest fan! 

In the quote at the top of this post, it was obviously a personal delight for Barack to see other people recognize the intrinsic value of his wife. He is her biggest fan! Her empowerment was a delight to him and in no way diluted his own sense of self worth even when other people clearly told him he was overshadowed by his wife! Too many males hate to see their wife be exalted, especially if that acclaim somehow overshadows their accomplishments. I constantly have people look at me askance when they hear me wax lyrical about my Beloved’s attributes. My Bethany is the most impressive human being I know! If your Beloved isn’t as impressive as that to you then I’m truly saddened for your loss. Perhaps if you were more impressive in your own eyes it would allow you to see the magnificence of your Beloved?

Act 3.

Be willing to follow her lead.

Sometimes males who have the pretense of being strong men are pathologically incapable of following a woman. The idea of being her able assistant somehow short circuits a connection in their neural pathways making them non-functioning for the duration of the perceived anomaly. I could write chapters of explanation for this particular point but the truth is you either get this at a gut level or you don’t. This is one of those great truths that is better experienced than explained. 

I realize this was a long winded essay on essential masculinity but it is a topic of epic proportions and shouldn’t be approached within the constraints of a Tweet. 

As always what I say comes from a fallible person. I don’t purport to be all knowing or all powerful. But these are my thoughts and while they are constantly evolving this is as far as that evolution has evolved to date. 

The title obviously was meant to be provocative and was chosen as much for the hope it would provoke interest as it was pertinent to the purpose of the post. I make no apology for that because I want these posts on masculinity to be disseminated as widely as possible in the hope they provoke conversation and perhaps thoughtful conviction.

The greatest compliment I have ever received is when someone told me that “I had married up!” When that compliment is given, I smile one of my “giant” smiles and agree enthusiastically with that impression. For my wife is far beyond me in my own evaluation of us. And that evaluation causes me nothing but delight in her, and a determination to be worthy of her trust.  

Thus endeth the lesson….