2. Do good wives really respect their husbands?

"I love man as my fellow; but his scepter, real, or usurped, extends not to me, unless the reason of an individual demands my homage; and then the submission is to reason, and not to man."

Mary Wollstonecraft, A Vindication of the Rights of Woman.

If women ought to treat their husbands as a strong willed mother would her only teenage daughter then I can imagine many Christians will be wondering what then happens to the biblical concepts of submission and respect?

I find it disturbing and offensive that what men often mean by "Respect and Submission" is that they wish for their wives to be submissive and respectful which are sadly far different things than Respect and Submission.

I've had people ask me in the past how it is that Bethany is so comfortable with respecting and submitting to me as her husband. The question seems to stem from a belief that it is incredibly hard to respect and submit to any man if you are a strong woman.

For us, respect is about Bethany holding me to a certain standard and then "calling me out" when I fail to be the man I both claimed and aimed to be. For I believe there can be no true submission without there first being authentic respect. So I'll begin with Respect and move on to Submission in the next post.


In our marriage Bethany "respecting" me means that she demands that I live up to the standard God has declared for men who have the audacity to enter into marriage.

Bethany never manipulates me. She never pretends it is ok when in fact she is deeply hurt or disappointed. She respects me far too much to ever "handle" me like a little boy. She chose a man whom she had decided had the necessary strength to be the man she wanted to walk beside, and for almost seven years she has taken me at my word when I vowed to love her as Christ loves the Church.


Bethany has vowed to tell me honestly what it is I need to do to love and serve her properly. She has vowed to be loved by me. I have vowed to be respected by her. It isn't some slogan for a happy marriage. It is our understanding of what marriage for a Christian is supposed to be.

I promised Bethany I would find the strength to never criticize her or correct her. She promised me she would always find the strength to be my most honest guide and teacher.

You see, we believe men desperately need to feel respected and women desperately need to feel loved.

How does this look in our marriage?

I am called to adore my wife, and so I try my best to serve her by ensuring that there is always one secure place where she is safe from criticism and correction. I believe women are surrounded by a cacophony of blame, both inside their own heads and all around them in society. It often creates a very feminine form of perfectionism that warps into very real insecurity, which then forms into an echo chamber of self-destructive blame and shame. Who but a husband could better create that lovingly secure place of encouragement that reminds a woman at her lowest times of how wondrous a woman she really is and remind her that she is indeed the woman she dreams of being.

Men on the other hand are surrounded by a cacophony of excuses and excusers. We are seemingly so habitually hapless that women have taken on a lifetime's role as "the little boy's mother" for the entire male species. Add to that mother culture, the older men who assuage our occasional pangs of doubt by assuring us that we truly can't help being helpless to our desires and failings. I am in desperate need of someone I trust implicitly to reflect my beliefs and behaviors back to me accurately. I need a strong confidant who will have the courage to gently, yet firmly, remind me during my lapses of judgement and strength of my own dearly held dreams for myself and my family. Who but a wife could be that voice of respect that holds me to the high standard of the man I dream to be?

Marital roles aren't about ruling one another, they are about serving one another and the genders have different needs.

Men need to be held to a standard and to feel respected by people who are actually expecting them to achieve our calling as men. Men crave respect more than love.

I belief the Bible teaches that women need to be loved. To be served selflessly, to be adored for who they are and to hear constantly from their man that who they are is wonderful and wondrous. Women crave love more than respect.

I think that too often men are loved by their wives and women are respected by their husbands to the detriment of both.

I demand of myself and the men around me who claim to be Christian that we take up the burden of true servant leadership and earn the respect we crave by being worthy servant leaders who cherish and protect our wives and demand the unvarnished truth from these same wives.

My wife respects me.... that is not what makes her good. But it is part of what makes her a wife.