defining niceness and other sundry christian words.

      Last night some one responded to yesterday's post with some questions. I wrote down his concerns, questions and comments. And responded to them publicly because they were such great responses to my post. 
 Here are excerpts from his reply.

Hi R.J.

This blog entry particularly struck me as interesting because of many struggles I have been going through. 

The human side of me loves the idea of taking things into my own hands, teaching the other person a thing or two.  The following ideas stop me, and seem to make me a weaker person.  The consolation that I have is that we are to die to ourselves, and that Christ is strong in our weakness

       Love your enemies that you may be children of God. Everyone loves their friends but it requires the love of Christ to love those who hate you. (Mathew 5: 44ish My paraphrase)

·      Love is not always comfortable, but it is always based on truth/reality. Pretending that you like someone, and pretending you can actually see value in them is not love. It is taking a position of pretense and hiding who you really are and how you feel. 

For example: there are some people that I love intensely who experience that love via very strong boundaries that I have set down to dictate how we interact. Those boundaries reflect reality, but are also boundaries they would prefer did not exist. But while our relationship is tense it is also based on frank honesty. True Love does not always necessitate comfort. I showed love by interacting truthfully with that young man who was being so offensive.

2.             Ephesians 4:31-32 let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

·      I love this verse! Let me walk through what each word means to me.

Ø  Bitterness: This is silently repressing disappointment or a hurtful experience deep within myself while pretending outward acceptance. Bitterness refuses to allow us to forgive and forget the times we are sinned against. It begins to corrode and decay one’s inner vitality. – I turned away from bitterness when I expressed forcefully my hurt and disappointment of that young man’s words. From that moment on there was no bitterness within me towards that young man or of the past occasions when his words had wounded me. I was able to forgive and forget.

Ø  Wrath: The dictionary definition of “wrath” is “extreme anger” it is so over the top the dictionary explains that it is most commonly used for comic effect as it is considered so far beyond a reasonably expected response to a situation that it is outrageous. Everyone in the room that day felt my response was very measured and restrained. As in everything context is king. A wrathful response by me would have entailed a much stronger use of force and would have been done when there were no witnesses. 

Ø  Anger: There are two types of anger used in The Bible. One means to be “agitated and/or boil over”. The other usage of anger is “passion/energy”. The latter is the righteous anger that is both permitted and commanded by God to His people. – While my story may seem like I boiled over, it was actually after a great deal of reflection, and then very well considered even though at the time I hadn’t realized that I was operating under such control. I didn’t lose my temper; I wasn't wrathful, but I expressed my temper very passionately. I didn’t lash out indiscriminately but only with sufficient force to communicate my point effectively. When I “lose” my temper I ask for forgiveness because that is the anger that is forbidden. But when I express my anger in a tempered way then I am obeying God’s injunction to be angry and sin not. (Eph. 4: 26) To experience me losing my temper and boiling over is a terrible thing to see. It is so terrible I sometimes repress healthy anger for fear it might spill over into unhealthy anger. 

Ø  Clamor: this word means a loud noise intended to attract attention inappropriately. Ironically, my voice becomes much, much quieter when I am expressing anger. I spoke to that young man in a very quiet voice! In fact the most dangerous signal for others to realize when I am becoming deeply angry is when I have lapsed into a profound silence. That said I also believe there is a non-verbal way to clamor. It is to silently express your disdain for another. It is the silent reproach of the self-righteous person in the grocery store when they look disdainfully upon someone they consider a sinner. I strive constantly never to clamor, whether that is verbal or non-verbal clamoring. 

Ø  Slander: this is the epitome of speaking falsely! This is to say something false that damages a person/thing's reputation. I almost never do this. It is just not one of the habitual sins I commit. I am forcefully honest and habitually seek truth in every situation. Slander is usually perpetuated in the hidden place, in the shadows and side rooms of life. I try hard to stay out of those conversations and when I find myself in one I try hard to speak up and call it slander!

Ø  Malice: This is the intention to do evil. I have known and committed malice many times in my life. I deeply regret everyone one of those occasions  If I had chosen to be malicious that morning it would have ended in me choosing to apply an extreme use of physical violence to cause a careless amount of trauma to someone who had offended me. The only malice present in this story was by the snide young man who was intentionally trying (and succeeding) to verbally hurt me for weeks.

3.             James 1:20 The Anger of man does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Ø  See the definition for the two types of anger and you will see I obey this verse literally.

4.             Thinking on the fruits of the flesh as well as the fruit of the spirit.

Ø  What are the fruit of the flesh? 1) sexual immorality 2) impurity 3) extreme sensuality 4) idolatry 5) witchcraft 6) hostility 7) bitter conflicts 8) jealousy 9) outbursts of anger 10) lack of unity 11) dissentions 12) cliquishness 13) envying 14) drunkenness 15) orgies, and things like these.

I don’t feel as if I partook in any of these sins in dealing with that young man 15 years ago, or in how I live honestly today. If you know me you know that this list isn't descriptive of my life today, although tragically for me, it used to be a full description of my life. 

5.             The one who has been forgiven much loves much.

Ø  I agree with this quotation and I contend that I both loved and forgave that man for slandering me. We had a very honest relationship after our forceful conversation. I held no bitterness nor hate within myself for his previous words and actions. It could be argued that my passionate love provoked me to engage with him forcefully to resolve the conflict quickly and permanently. I offered him my full forgiveness and he refused to accept he needed to be forgiven. We then lived within a broken relationship. But it was honestly expressed as a broken relationship. If he had ever accepted my forgiveness I would have gladly begun to build a relationship based on mutual respect. That never happened because he chose not to accept he needed to be forgiven. 

I realize how I live out the commands of my God are not comfortable and do not easily engender ease in those around me. I just do not see that being easy and comfortable around others is a prerequisite for self nominating as a Christian.